3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize