Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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