He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
