Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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