Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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