Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
