i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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