How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
