just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
