You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
