this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
