if you like me you must not know who I am
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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