Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
