if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
