Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
