When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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