Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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