how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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