how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
