So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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