You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
