Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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