When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
