Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
