i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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