I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize