I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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