apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
