lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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