'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Who put my cat in the fridge?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
