The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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