I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
