you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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