Betty ford says i'm here all night
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
