I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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