I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
