i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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