Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
