Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
