if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize