eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I love you. Go after that dick
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize