Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
