Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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