o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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