yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
