3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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