Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
