You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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