Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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