sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
