I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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