Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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