ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I puked a lego.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
