I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
