im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize