I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
this will be a night to untag.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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