Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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