I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize