She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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