I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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