I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
