When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize