Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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